Well, this was inevitable. That being said, who the hell picks up a camera and goes, "Hey, you know what would be awesome to capture forever? Nadya Suleman in a bikini"? I honestly didn't think there were that many drugs on the planet. Also, not to scare anybody, but you know there's a sex tape just around the corner and I guarantee you it'll contain this exchange: OCTOMOM: Stick it in! DUDE: I can't, there's a day care falling out. Sign me up for that. Thanks to Matt Varden. But not really. Scope Out (20) Pics of Octomom After the Jump

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Dressed as a pregnant nun with eight little devils by her side, "Octomom" Nadya Suleman showed off her sense of humor in these pictures.

The mom of fourteen poked some fun at herself as she posed for these pictures with her toddlers, Maliah, Nariah, McCai, Josiah, Jonah, Jeremiah, Isaiah and Noah all looking adorable as little red Devils with their strollers draped in spider webs!

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Please tell me he's not broke enough for this happen. Via InTouch:

According to former Cheaters producer Bobby Goldstein, Jon has agreed to star in a cheesy new reality show in which he'll date Octomom Nadya Suleman, who called Jon "hot" recently. "I heard that Nadya has an insatiable desire to spend time with Jon and to put their families together," Goldstein tells In Touch. "And I had the idea that this could be a very entertaining fiasco." The pilot, to be called Jon - Kate = Jon + Octomom and produced by Goldstein and a former producer of The Jerry Springer Show, will follow Jon "as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like," a press release obtained by In Touch states. "He's totally creeped out by the idea that if they got married, they'd have 22 kids." Also creepy is the plotline for Nadya, 33. She will have such an obsession with Jon, 32, that "she's already talking openly about the two of them getting married," the press release explains. "It's so bad that when they finally meet, Octomom's brood may start calling Jon 'Daddy.' If this doesn't make Jon lose it, then Octomom modeling her bikini body for him will."

If even an iota of this is true at all, now would be a good time to take our families outside and shoot each other in the head. Seriously, I hope the lizard people make better use of the surface than we did because Jesus Christ....

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Time to start building bomb shelters with child-proof locks. Octomom has eyes for Jon Gosselin. Via PopEater:

"I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin," the single mother of fourteen told Radar Online. "I think he's hot!" And it seems the two have one thing in common: kids should not be on reality TV. Suleman insists she has no reality show plans of her own adding, "I already made up my mind a long time ago," she said. "I think it's exploitative. I don't care what the dollar amount would be. It's not worth it. It's not healthy for the kids."

Of course Octomom wants Jon Gosselin. He's a sure thing. Think about it, it's pretty much a proven fact his sperm coupled with fertility drugs is the magic key to a Fallopian goldmine. Also, he likes ugly chicks, so she doesn't have to worry about being rejected. He's probably reading this right now going "Oh, yeah, Jon-bo would hit that." (Don't tell me he doesn't call himself that.)

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Nadya Suleman's two-hour documentary Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage aired on FOX last night and showed the day-to-day life our of nation's very own psychotic incubator. While the show was rife with reasons why Nadya shouldn't be allowed to parent anything more aware than a potato, she also took time to fire off criticisms of TV mom Kate Gosselin, according to Celebuzz:

Clucking at the pictures of Gosselin parading around in a bikini on the beach from earlier this year, Suleman opined, "It's so staged. She's doing it to get people to take pictures of her... I feel like it's cheating [to get a tummy-tuck]. It's her choice. If she has enough money to fix herself, let her."
Then Suleman tossed out another dis, declaring, "I have a better shape, though. I'm sorry, no offense to her."
Apparently tired of attacking Gosselin's physique, Suleman then went on to find fault with Gosselin's personality.
"I'm not as attention-seeking [as Gosselin]," Suleman noted.

When she wasn't attacking her porcupine-haired rival, Octomom was seen calling the police about the paparazzi - but not the ones she secretly invited into her house to photograph the children. She also told a disturbing story about making her own mother ride in the trunk of her car because she was sprayed by a skunk. I'm not even joking. The NJ Star Ledger reports:

The most chilling scene, for me, was when Nadya recounted the story that when was 17, her mother got sprayed by a skunk. Nadya told her the only way she'd ride home in the car with her was if she (her mother) went in the trunk of the car.
Nadya then recounted how she shut the trunk door (although her mother tried to keep it open a crack) then drove crazy so she could make her mother's ride as uncomfortable as possible. "It was really funny," she said, "I kept hearing her body roll from side to side." From the deadness in her expression and in the tone of her voice, you got a terrifying whiff of someone seriously disconnected from human emotion. Until the documentary, I had dismissed claims that she was emotionally disturbed, thinking perhaps she was just a bit eccentric, but seeing her life exposed this way did nothing for her cause.

At this point, I'm almost convinced Nadya Suleman is on Kate Gosselin's payroll because, shit, does Kate walk away from this looking awesome. No, really, I almost want to hunt down Jon Gosselin just to punch him in the nuts and say "Hey. At least you weren't married to Octomom, jerk!" Then I'd steal his magical ATV and bed women with it. It's the only way he'll learn.

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In today's "You're Fucking Kidding Me" news, Octomom is attacking Kate Gosselin for exploiting her children for attention. The Octomom who just signed a reality show and book deal - and has the trademarked nickname Octomom. Yeah. RadarOnline reports:

"She needs to stop being so judgmental and stop pulling at straws for attention," Suleman exclusively told RadarOnline.com. Suleman also accused Kate of being desperate for attention and over-emotional.
"My children are extremely healthy, strong and happy. Don't you have, like, a lot of issues in your life? A lot of marital problems?" she asked of Gosselin.
"Why are you so desperate to glob on to my life? For attention?"

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume Octomom has no sense of irony because she's goddamn bananas, so let's cut to the chase: I'll give her a pair of Jimmy Choos for each of her children, and we can save everyone the inevitable SWAT team negotiations down the line. Seriously, let's nip this thing in the bud before we see a grown woman duct-tape infants to her torso like some sort of make-shift body armor then dive through a window at Macy's.

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Who didn't see this coming? Nadya "Octomom" Suleman has not only landed a book deal but finally found a production company for her reality show, according to People:

Suleman's attorney Jeff Czech calls the series a "quasi-reality" show, explaining that instead of having a dozen cameramen tromping around her house 24 hours a day, film crews will only document select milestones, such as birthdays and other special events.
"Nadya knows she has to do something," says Czech. "But she doesn't want the constant filming because she feels that would be taking advantage of her kids. She's trying to find the middle ground and feels this approach will work best."
Czech also insists that his client doesn't want her series to resemble Jon and Kate Gosselin's show.
"She's been watching them a bit lately and thinks it's boring," says Czech.

Aw snap! Jon and Kate just got Octo-slapped! Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's how you can spot the parts of the show that are "quasi-reality": 1. Any scene where Octomom tries to buy a pair of shoes and doesn't ask the cashier if they accept "baby" as a form of payment. 2. Anytime you see Octomom withdrawal cash from the ATM instead of asking a crewmember to impregnate her. 3. All scenes involving nannies not jumping out the window with a baby under each arm screaming "Muchacha es el diablo!" 4. Montages featuring Octomom raising her children. (The CGI should tip you off.) 5. Kooky tea parties with Gloria Allred.

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- Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Donatella Versace? How the fuck does that even hap- Oh, right, he has a drinking problem. In that case, now would be a good time not to sober up. [Lainey Gossip] - Octomom's upcoming surgery will actually make her more fertile instead of the opposite. Hopefully her surgeons are practicing their sincere "No, really, my hand slipped" faces. [Radar Online] - Kevin Federline is flat broke despite receiving $20,000/month from Britney Spears. Really? Because K-Fed always had the look of a seasoned investor to me. Or am I thinking of Snuffleupagus again? [Celebslam] - Beyonce fires somebody in the middle of a song while performing in the Netherlands. I'd say that's gotta be humiliating, but who the fuck knows where the Netherlands are? Oklahoma, maybe? [Just Jared] - Britney Spears and her agent/rumored boyfriend go on mysterious car ride together. Or at least it was mysterious until they pulled into Wendy's and employees hosed Britney down with Frosty's. Then it all made sense. [Pink is the New Blog] - Tori Spelling's husband buys her a new ring every year they're married. It reminds her of the first time he proposed to her - in a seedy hotel so his wife couldn't find them. Aww... [I'm Not Obsessed]

posted by GossipGander

- Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Donatella Versace? How the fuck does that even hap- Oh, right, he has a drinking problem. In that case, now would be a good time not to sober up. [Lainey Gossip] - Octomom's upcoming surgery will actually make her more fertile instead of the opposite. Hopefully her surgeons are practicing their sincere "No, really, my hand slipped" faces. [Radar Online] - Kevin Federline is flat broke despite receiving $20,000/month from Britney Spears. Really? Because K-Fed always had the look of a seasoned investor to me. Or am I thinking of Snuffleupagus again? [Celebslam] - Beyonce fires somebody in the middle of a song while performing in the Netherlands. I'd say that's gotta be humiliating, but who the fuck knows where the Netherlands are? Oklahoma, maybe? [Just Jared] - Britney Spears and her agent/rumored boyfriend go on mysterious car ride together. Or at least it was mysterious until they pulled into Wendy's and employees hosed Britney down with Frosty's. Then it all made sense. [Pink is the New Blog] - Tori Spelling's husband buys her a new ring every year they're married. It reminds her of the first time he proposed to her - in a seedy hotel so his wife couldn't find them. Aww... [I'm Not Obsessed]

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Great news, everybody, Octomom has tumors on her uterus! Alright! According to Radar Online, she'll be undergoing surgery that will leave her pretty much unable to conceive again. -- We should throw a party:

Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman will check into the hospital this weekend to have benign fibroid tumors removed from her uterus -- a procedure that will make further pregnancies virtually impossible, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.
Suleman will leave her eight infants and six older children in the care of her nannies, as the procedure and recovery is expected to take up to seven days.

I probably shouldn't get my hopes up because there's always the risk of this happening: DOCTOR: Well, Octomom, we were about to remove part of your uterus except, goddammit, we found 20,000 babies implanted inside. Now, I know this will be a difficult choi- OCTOMOM: Whee! There's always room for more! Tee-hee. DOCTOR: .... Nurse, fetch me my gun. OCTOMOM: Is it to keep the paparazzi away 'cause I'm just like Angelina? DOCTOR: Something like that. Thanks to Kasia who uses her uterus for good, not for Jimmy Choo's.

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