Tiger Woods' longtime caddy Steve Williams had no idea about the 67 cocktail waitresses his boss should've used the 4-iron with and apparently would've gone public had he known, according to People:

"I'm a straight-up sort of person," Williams told New Zealand's TV3. "If I had known something was going on, the whistle would have been blown."
Though Woods hasn't spoken to Williams since his accident - and subsequent scandal - in November 2009, Williams has been personally affected by his employer's indiscretions.
"Of course I'm mad at him, why would you not be?" Williams said. "I'm close with his wife and he's got two lovely children and he's let them down."
But that doesn't mean Williams doesn't still stand by his boss. "When a guy's having a tough time, it's not up to me to beat him with a stick right now," the caddy said. "He's getting enough grilling from everybody else."

It's probably not the best career move to publicly admit you would've hung Tiger Woods out to dry had you known about his 800 affairs. Seriously, you're a caddy, and last time I checked that means you shut up, carry the man's clubs and toss a hooker in a water hazard if he tells you to. Granted, I've yet to get one to do it myself, that had more to do with me randomly driving my car up onto the green and less about respecting time-honored traditions. Steve.

posted by GossipGander

Because diamonds don't come out faucets - at least in the guest house - Elin Woods is moving back in with Tiger Woods. RadarOnline reports:

On Wednesday, Elin and Tiger spent approximately three hours together at the house where they will once again live together. They were in the backyard, and a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com exclusively that at one point Tiger kissed Elin on the cheek three times and they hugged.
That shows how far the couple has come from Thanksgiving, when Elin discovered he was having an affair with Rachel Uchitel. That discovery let to an argument, with Tiger leaving the house in the early morning and crashing his vehicle into a fire hydrant and a tree.

I'm sure this had to be a difficult decision for Elin. Going back to the man who humiliated her in front of the entire world or living in a house that doesn't have heated tile floors? It's like something out of a Lifetime movie about overcoming impossible odds. Or pies. I honestly have no idea what any of them are about.

posted by GossipGander

Realizing the ol' sex addiction routine was about 25 cocktail waitresses past its prime, Tiger Woods has checked himself into an Arizona rehab clinic for addiction to Vicodin and Ambien, according to The National Enquirer:

"In therapy, Tiger blamed a lot of his cheating behavior on his drug addiction, saying that the drugs were responsible for impairing his judgment," a source familiar with the sports superstar's treatment told The ENQUIRER.
The disgraced golfer entered The Meadows on the recommendation of therapists who treated him for sex addiction at the Gentle Path program in Hattiesburg, Miss., said the source.
"After he left Gentle Path, Tiger flew to Arizona for his initial intake interview at The Meadows, which is better equipped to handle rehab for drug addiction and depression."

Right. Because popping a bunch of sleeping pills and painkillers is the reason Tiger Woods loves pussy so much. Before all this he was practically Amish and wouldn't go near Elin's Swedish model vagina except for procreation. And only if she came at him with a cattle prod. Damn you, drugs!

posted by GossipGander

Somewhere Nike just shit a Cross Trainer. Via E! News:

"My hat goes off to him," Chris says. "I support him. I hope he gets back on the field and does his thing because he is the best at it."
But the chatter doesn't stop there. Without prodding, Rihanna's ex-beau, a self-proclaimed non-troublemaker, offers a comparison to their current dramatic plights.
"I think people always deserve a second chance," he says. "I know my fans gave me a second chance and people gave me a second chance."
In Brown's mind, it's all about what you do in public, not behind closed doors.
"Whatever his personal life is--and I think this goes for me and him--his personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on somebody else's personal life when they're not directly involved with them," he continues. "He plays golf. That's his sport, that's his hobby, that's his love, that's what people love him for. They don't love him for the other stuff that they talk about. Even with me, I do music, I sing songs, I'm an entertainer, I'm a performer. But people make mistakes."

So let me see if I got this straight: Millions of dollars in hush money to Tiger's mistresses, the largest, most painstakingly scripted press conference on the planet, a Sports Illustrated photographer on staff to take pretend candid photos, but no one thought to toss Chris Brown a pair of solid gold high-tops to never say the words Tiger Woods until 2012? Christ. How do you miss that one? At this point you might as well let Tiger bang hookers on C-SPAN like he asked.

posted by GossipGander

Because this was entirely her fault, Elin Woods has cosigned a letter of apology to her daughter's school for the increased paparazzi stemming from Tiger's penis. Via E! News:

"We would like to share our appreciation for your support over the past several months and offer our personal apology for any inconvenience you are experiencing due to the increased media scrutiny surrounding our children. We truly understand how frustrating it can be.
"We hope that the paparazzi will find something better to do with their time in the near future. In the meantime, it is our goal to keep life as normal as possible for our children. We are sure that as parents you can appreciate that. For Sam, that normalcy means attending the school that she enjoys so much."

The letter was signed by both Tiger and Elin which makes no fucking sense. It's not like she was sitting around the house going "Hmm. Maybe I should stop my husband from having a bunch of explosive secret affairs I don't know about before it upsets the PTA. -- Eh, fuck it. I'll just have a daiquiri."

posted by GossipGander

Matthew Fox has allegedly been cheating on his wife with a stripper from Oregon, according to InTouch:

"I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately. I got so excited," Stefani tells In Touch. Since she was a big Party of Five fan, she recognized him right away -- but she soon found out he was much different from the clean-cut characters he plays. Matthew, Stefani says, started by buying her a drink, then paid for four private dances, each worth $20. "He asked me, 'Why are you working in a place like this?' I told him that I am a single mom and needed the money," Stefani says. "He absolutely did not mention a wife or family, and I don't remember him wearing a wedding ring."
Despite the club's strict rules about dating customers, Stefani left her 5-year-old son with a babysitter and claims she met Matthew later that night at the house he was staying in with his entourage. "We sat around and talked about his show. He complimented me and was saying how down-to-earth I am. He told me he was going to be in town for a couple of days," she tells In Touch. Pretty soon, things heated up. "He didn't tell me to keep it a secret or anything. He didn't even use protection. He didn't seem concerned at all," says Stefani.

I love how these mistresses always come forward and act surprised the married man they had sex with didn't use a condom. IT'S YOUR VAGINA. Clearly some sort of rationalization took place where letting the star of Lost bang you without a rubber outweighed the risk of getting knocked up or an itchy urethra. Otherwise, surprise, you got smoke monstered! (Or raped, whatever you want to call it.)

posted by GossipGander

Apparently Joslyn James was the starting shot because several of Tiger Woods' mistresses are already lining up TV appearances to give their response to today's press conference/expressionless script-reading. Here's Jamie Jungers talking to E! News pushing a theme we probably should start getting used to: "He didn't even say my name!" Of course, in fairness to Tiger, I doubt he remembers a single one. Christ, there's like 90: On mistresses having feelings, too: "He's apologizing to these young kids...everybody but the women that were involved in the relationships. It's hurtful. It's rude. He should have apologized to the people like myself, his mistresses, because we're dealing with a lot of stuff too." On Elin Woods: "Once a cheater always a cheater. Is Elin going to stay with him? I would say no, but I don't have kids with him. He would have to do a lot prove you can trust him again. He needs to go to rehab. He should have never got married. He should have never had kids." On being a home-wrecking whore: "I'm not a home-wrecking whore. If it was up to me I would have never done it in the first place, but I was young and stupid. Of course I'm going to feel guilty...I have a heart. But it was years ago. I shouldn't be the one to be blamed for it. He had lied to me about so many things. Everybody makes mistakes." On wanting a personal apology from Tiger: "Enough has been said and done. I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to be known as Tiger Woods' mistress my whole life. I don't want him to contact me or address it. I don't think I would say anything to him. I want it to be done." Of course, Jamie Jungers wants it to be over with. She's simply getting paid to party at all those nightclubs because she's so pretty. Sort of like how Tiger banged for her mind. Video After the Jump

posted by GossipGander

Despite the fact her entire family is coming out of the woodwork to say she's a compulsive liar, Joslyn James and her attorney Gloria Allred held their own press conference today in response to Tiger's televised apology, according to E! News:

"I would be open to a telephoned apology from Tiger but I really feel that I deserve to look at him in person, face to face, in the eyes because I did not deserve this," the 32-year-old Top Heavy 4 star said.
James said the Woods statement felt fake.
"An apology, one that was meaningful and that meant something, and I didn't hear none of that," James said. "He's so selfish; it's not about anybody but him. It didn't feel like it was real. "Tiger pursued me over time and I fell in love with him and hold me he loved me," she added, choking up.
While Allred repeatedly mentioned how much emotional distress Tiger caused her client, she said she was not planning to file a lawsuit against the sports icon.

Oh, wow, they're not going to pursue a lawsuit based on the hurt feelings of a porn star caught fucking a married man? How gracious of them considering there's no way they would've lost with that angle. I'm not even on a jury and I'm already sitting here trying to give her money. (Anyone know where you insert the dollar bills on this thing?) Video After the Jump

posted by GossipGander

To absolutely zero surprise to no one, Nike accepts Tiger Woods' apology. Via TMZ:

"Tiger has apologized and made his position clear. Nike fully supports him and his family. We look forward to him returning to golf."

Wait a minute. Can Nike even accept an apology they made a sweatshop worker write under the watchful eye of their lawyers? NIKE: So, listen, Trang. You get our boy Tiger making millions for hitting a ball with a stick again, and this entire box of Uncle Ben's is yours. TRANG: Will there also be water to boil it? NIKE: TASE HIM! He's gone mad!

posted by GossipGander

Less than an hour ago Tiger Woods delivered a press conference with about as much emotion as a quarterly stock report at a shareholders meeting. Which let's be honest, was entirely what it was. Here are some of the highlights: - Elin Woods was not there proving her moral code stops somewhere between gold-digging and prop wife. - But Tiger's mommy was there making me feel encouraged that my own mother will be at my press conference whenever somebody finds all the hookers I've been with. (Hint: Don't look in the landfill.) - A bunch of cold, dead words read by an unfeeling robot programmed for golfing and fucking. - Some deflection about the paparazzi following his daughter to school. Because Tiger Woods just became famous in November. - Money and fame made Tiger feel entitled to an unlimited pussy buffet. As it should, commie. - Elin never attacked Tiger. EVER. Now everyone nod their head in agreement. She's perched in the ceiling of the foyer like a ninja. - A bunch of crap about being a role model to kids then saving them with his magic golf powers. - Me realizing Tiger Woods somehow pulled off making Chris Brown's YouTube apology to Rihanna look sincere. I'm sure I'm missing a few points, but this thing was like taking two Xanax then listening to your grandfather describe toast. Full Video After the Jump

posted by GossipGander