Crotch Returns in Slinky, Undercover Blind Vice!

Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood, we'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy goodie.

Remember Crotch Uh-Lastic, the hunky, rising male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?

We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways...

See, Crotch would love to go out, hit up the gay scene and bring himself back a cutie. But as the fagola Hollywood story goes, he so cannot out himself.

Not because he cares about being famous. No, Toothy Tile Crotch is not. Instead, CUL is more concerned how his sexuality would hinder the roles he gets, 'cause he's now being taken oh so seriously. He loves acting—not the ritzy lifestyle that comes with it. He doesn't even care that much about hurting his beard (if Toothy outted himself, it would be very damning to the both of them, in many, many ways).

So what's a horny, dude-loving guy to do?

Sic his assistant on the unknowing gay population of Los Angles, natch. Only problem is the de-lish men in West Hollywood are totally starting to catch on—and they're blabbin' about it, too! Halle-homo-lujah!

Mr. Lastic's assistant frequents the standard WeHo gay bars, successfully luring back men for his famous master. Too funny: It's also the exact same dude-fishing MO Furrowed Frank uses when he has his trainer lure future conquests for him at the gym!

Only problem is, if said man isn't interested in hooking up with Crotch on the down-low, the guy has no reason not to spread it around to his gossip-lovin' friends. Seems pretty strange to us, as Mr. U.-L. is as hunky doable as they come.

And as sneaky as Crotch would like to be, more and more people 'round town are starting to hear about what goes down, literally, up in his Hollywood home. And it's not just poolside, folks.

Think any of these guys will out dear old Crotchy soon? Doubtful. With his adorable dimples, more men will jump at the chance to jump CUH and then shut up about it after than won't. But remember, it only takes one.


And it Ain't: Alexander Skarsgård, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe
Previously excluded: Adam Brody, Christian Bale, Diddy, Derek Hough, John Mayer, Josh Hartnett, Kevin Spacey, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Ryan Philippe, The Rock, Tobey Maguire, Tom Hanks and Topher Grace.

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Dear Ted:
With all of the hoopla over Jensen Ackles getting engaged, people are speculating that one reason is that this will be Supernatural's last season. If this is indeed true, what do you think that means for Jackles (or Padackles, as I prefer to call them)? Will their epic bromance stand the test of time and new-found distance? Or will it fade into oblivion as so many friendships do?
—Next-door neighbors

Dear Bye-Bye Bromance:
If it's true bromance, they'll stay together. Have some faith!
-----
Dear Ted:
Are Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson just really good friends or "really good friends"?
—J.D.

Dear Bromance…or Is It?
What is up with this? I've gotten many questions about these two. What gay vibes are you getting?
-----
Dear Ted:
Is Seymour Plow-Me-More having problems with his beard/wife? Is it getting bad because of some personal matters dealing with his sexuality and the kids (of course)?
—Mook

Dear Plow-Me-Less:
Sometimes couples go through a rough patch in their relationship...And in Hollywood, it's out for everyone to see. Sucks. But they won't be divorcing or anytime soon. The wife knows what kind of man she married.
-----
Dear Ted:
Please explain your definition of a bad boy.
—Mobey

Dear Bad-Boy Action:
Bad boy: a Bradley Cooper-esque guy who's sexy and sophisticated with tons of secrets, yet there's a slight dirty, rugged quality about him.
-----
Dear Ted:
I'm so happy those photos of Robsten finally came out so people can stop second-guessing you. A picture is worth a thousand denials, right? Anyway, I have a B.V. question: I was having drinks with a friend of mine last night when we got on the subject of celebrities, and he started telling me all these scandalous things about John Travolta. So it got me thinking he has to be one, right? Love ya!
—M

Dear Obvious:
Duh. Do spill, though.
-----
Dear Ted:
I would have to agree with the person who asked the question about David Boreanez and Emily Deschanel. They seem far too cozy to be just costars. He's always trying to kiss her offscreen. What's going on down there? Can you please give us a hint?
—Amj

Dear Bad Boreanez:
Nothing that won't get me sued. Sorry, babe, he's a cranky-ass one.
-----
Dear Ted:
If George Clooney is the new Cary Grant, who is his Randolph Scott?
—Notme

Dear Olden Days:
Who said G.C. was the new Grant? Not quite sure I see, anyway, as Grant was married billions of times and hardly was into pigs. At least the pet kind, as is Georgey.
-----
Dear Ted:
I've had this question for quite some time: Do you think Toothy Tile and his beard have or have ever had an intimate relationship? If not, does this mean Toothy has been abstinent for the past few years? That doesn't sound fun at all! Or very realistic.
—Skye

Dear Remember:
Toothy has been with girls. Just don't believe he and the Missus Beard are intimate all that much.
-----
Dear Ted:
You said both David Boreanaz and Sarah Michelle Gellar were the subjects of past Blind Vices. My question is, were they together, in the same B.V., or separate?
—Willow

Dear Buffy Fan:
I wish it was together the way you're thinking, but no, they were separate.
-----
Dear Ted:
Your column always brightens my day. Keep up the excellent work! I have a question for you: have Toothy Tile and Prius Crotch-Catch made a movie together? Recently? Thanks!
—Mrss

Dear Hmmm:
Define recently—don't you love those responses? But promise I will answer you.
-----
Dear Ted:
As far as I've heard, Rocky Trailer hasn't come out yet while doing New Moon press. Do you know if Rocky is still planning on talking?
—Robsten Fan

Dear Anxiously Waiting:
We didn't get a chance to talk with Rocky exclusively, or we would've asked the right questions. Don't think anybody knows to. Yet.
-----
Dear Ted:
It's my birthday, and the only present I want in the whole world is for you to (pretty please!) answer one little question for me! With all the talk around Jensen Ackles getting married, I just wanted to know—is Jared Padalecki his best man? Cheers!
—

Dear Crystal Ball:
That remains to be seen. We're going with no.
-----
Dear Ted:
Here's a shot-in-the-dark question...Do two of your very popular B.V.s have a movie coming out together very soon? Possibly something about complicated family ties?
—FingersCrossed

Dear Too Cryptic:
Can you be more specific? Some of our favorite Vicers certainly do have movies coming out soon.
-----
Dear Ted:
Does Nevis Divine still live in merry ole across-the-pond-land most of the time, or has he made his home in the U.S.? Also, what color eyes does he have?
—Lab

Dear Nationality Confusion:
He seems to spend his time equally traveling. Eye color is dreamy.
-----
Dear Ted:
Have Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew Broderick ever been in one of your blind vices, either together or separately?
—Victoria

Dear Obvious One:
Of course. Innocent, they're not.
-----
Dear Ted:
Who will make it to the altar first: Hayden Christensen, Jensen Ackles or George Eads?
—Fake it

Dear No for Three:
Eads. By default.
-----
Dear Ted:
Do you think that since Gerard Butler hit the big 40 he will finally come out of the closet, or will he keep the door closed and keep eating fries?
—JuicyLucy

Dear Big Butt:
Gerard is known for his 3 a.m. booty texts, and not to dudes. [Ed: ORLY...]
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Dear Ted:
Can I just say you are the funniest gossip columnist on the Net. Love your comeback answers to the sarcastic questions. Here's mine: In a brawl-out catfight, who do you think will win: Twyla Babe-Sucker or Terry Tush-Trade?
—J

Dear Good One:
Hard question 'cause they're the same person. Just kidding. Terry, hands down.
-----
Dear Ted:
Love your column! Is Keanu Reeves in the closet?
—E

Dear Behind Door Number...:
What closet...mine?
-----
Dear Ted:
Going by your definition of a "bad boy," is Viggo Mortensen one?
–celticprincess

Dear Thank You:
For bringing up a reason for me to talk about this sexy hunk. Surprisingly, though, Viggo's pretty good about bein' his own guy. It's the liars in this town who are the really bad dudes: Those who pretend they're up to closeted tricks.
-----
Dear Ted:
So Judas Jack-Off doesn't like his beard? Why can't he find a new one (it can't be that hard in Hollywood)? Or just grow some balls? And what's the next move for him?
—Indecisive

Dear Stick It Out:
Willing beards don't grow on trees, darling.
-----
Dear Ted:
I believe it's better to die of embarrassment than of ignorance. So I am asking you if Robert Pattison is the infamous Dashed Dingle-Dream. I really don't care who is his JJO because my guess for Judas is even more challenging.
—Brave Girl

Dear Sorry to Disappoint:
But Rob stars in his Blind Vice.
-----
Dear Ted:
It's easy to tell when certain celebs are "cracked out" on drugs (à la Morgan Mayhem), but what about the others, who never outwardly appear to be under the influence (e.g., Fake à la Ferocity)? How do they hide their addictions so well?
—Tjs

Dear Druggies:
A good P.R. team, lots of money and some makeup. M.M.'s so bad because she has just given up completely.
-----
Dear Ted:
First off, huge fan of your site (and it doesn't hurt that you are quite the hottie). But to get back to the purpose of this email—I know that everyone is certain on who Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream is, but after careful scrutiny of your Vices, I've come to a different conclusion. So my question is as such: Were (as in the past tense) they costars at one point, and at one point vying for the same important movie role? I'm sure you will have a sassy answer for this, but part of me I guess will be happy just to see my question published on the Bitch-Back! 'Cause I'm certain I'm right on this one!
—Mike

Dear Figuring Out BVs:
Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. If I answered that, wouldn't it be giving too much away?
-----
Dear Ted:
Does Taylor Lautner have his own Blind Vice?
—Jaime

Dear Taylor Badass:
Nope, still young and innocent. I don't think H'wood pressure has gotten to him yet, but it's only a matter of time.
-----
Dear Ted:
Now I am convinced you have something against Gerard Butler! You never answer any questions regarding him. Are you jealous of him? I just wanted to know if he has been the subject of any B.V.'s since you last absolved him of any sins. November is a long ways from July! Has he any women(an)? Rumors? And don't say: Jen Maniston, Jess or Lindsay, 'cause we know those are all jokes. Anyone real?
—Deanna

Dear No Hatin':
G.B. is not the type to have a steady gal by his side. He wants to settle down about as much as John Mayer does. And please, why would I be jealous of him? He can't even pick up girls, and I don't want to.
-----
Dear Ted:
Do you think it's possible for two hot gay guys to have a bromance? Or does bromance only refer to straight men?
—Ss

Dear Bromance Lovin':
Sure, why not?
-----
Dear Ted:
Is Sandy Boob Matt LeBlanc? Not an obvious guess, but Joey and Chandler watched Baywatch all the time, his character on Days of Our Lives fell down an elevator shaft and died, and Joey never met a mirror he didn't like. Thank you for making me laugh every day!
—PopCultureWhore

Dear All Fancy-Ass:
Nice try! And I love your show-within-a-show detective work. But everybody knows the Awful Truth's not exactly French Cinema-like with subliminal and overly sophisticated clues. Sandy's show took place at the beach, it's really that simple. And, no, he's not Matt, but you've certainly got the right bod type.




Scorecard:

-Adam Pounce-Prick is not Bradley Cooper, Jonah Hill or Paul Rudd.

-Crotch Uh-Lastic is not Adam Brody, Alexander Skarsgård, Christian Bale, Diddy, Derek Hough, John Mayer, Josh Hartnett, Kevin Spacey, Matthew Broderick, Matthew Fox, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Ryan Philippe, The Rock, Tobey Maguire, Tom Hanks, or Topher Grace.

-Furrowed Frank is not Alec Baldwin, Chris Noth, Donald Trump, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Jason Lewis, John Corbett, Johnny Knoxville, Justin Timberlake, Kyle McLachlan, Luke Wilson, Matt Damon, Rocco DiSpirito, Ron Livingston, Ryan Seacrest, Ty Pennington or Will Smith.

-Judas Jack-Off is not Benjamin McKenzie, Bradley Cooper, Brandon Routh, Chace Crawford, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Drake Bell, Ed Westwick, Gale Harold, George Eads, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Josh Peck Joshua Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Matt Dallas, Milo Ventimiglia, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Seacrest, Taylor Kistch or Zac Efron. Dashed Dingle Dream is not Drake Bell, J.C. Chasez, Josh Peck, Joshua Jackson or Robert Pattinson.

-Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan, but is "officially" not Gina Gershon, Hilary Swank, Keira Knightley, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mischa Barton, Nicky Hilton, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Queen Latifah, Tara Reid or Whitney Houston.

-Nevis Divine is not Alexander Skarsgård, Alex O'Loughlin, Austin Nichols, Bradley Cooper, Chace Crawford, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Colin Farrell, Corbin Bleu, Daniel Radcliffe, David Boreanaz, Diego Luna, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ed Westwick, Edward Norton, Emile Hirsch, Eric Bana, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Hayden Christensen, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, James McAvoy, Jim Sturgess, John Mayer, Johnathan Rhys Meyers, Joshua Jackson, Justin Bartha, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kevin Connolly, Matt Dallas, Michael Cera, Mike Myers, Olivier Martinez, Orlando Bloom, Penn Badgley, Robert Buckley, Rodrigo Santoro, Ryan Kwanten, Ryan Reynolds, Sebastian Stan, Shia LaBeouf, Simon Baker, Stephen Moyer, Viggo Mortensen, Will Smith, or Zac Efron.

-Prius Crotch-Catch is not Carrie Underwood, Hayden Panettiere, Hilary Duff, Jennifer Aniston, Lucy Liu, Megan Fox, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Rachel McAdams, Scarlett Johansson, Sienna Miller or Teri Hatcher.

-Rocky Trailer is not Anna Kendrick, Dakota Fanning, Jackson Rathbone, Nikki Reed or Taylor Lautner.

-Sandy Boob is not Brian Austin Green, David Hasselhoff, Jason Priestley, Matt LeBlanc or Peter Gallagher.

-Seymour Plow-Me-More is not Antonio Banderas, Chris Rock, David Spade and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Kevin Costner, Nicolas Cage, Tom Cruise or Will Smith.

-Sheila Slurp-Never is not Angelina Jolie, Jamie Lynn Spears, Keira Knightley, Parker Posey, Reese Witherspoon, Scarlett Johannson or Virginia Madsen.

-Terry Tush-Trade is not Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Catherine Hardwick, Chris Weitz, Christian Serratos, Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone, Justin Chon, Kellan Lutz, Megan Fox, Michael Welch, Nikki Reed, Peter Facinelli, Rachelle Lefevre, Sarah Clarke, or Taylor Lautner. Or a dude, for that matter.

-Toothy Tile isn't 50 Cent, Aaron Eckhart, Adam Brody, Adrian Grenier, Adrien Brody, All 3 Jonas Brothers, Anderson Cooper, Andy Dick, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Ben Mackenzie, Bill Clinton, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Brandon Davis, Brian Austin Green, Carrot Top, Casey Affleck, Chace Crawford, Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Klein, Chris Pine, Christian Bale, Clay Aiken, Colin Farrell, Dane Cook, Daniel Craig, Danny Bonaduce, David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, David Schwimmer, David Spade, Denzel Washington, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Elijah Wood, Emile Hirsch, Eric Balfour, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, George Eads, Gerard Butler, Haley Joel Osment, Harrison Ford, Harry Hamlin, Hayden Christensen, Heath Ledger, Hillary Clinton, Homer Simpson, Hugh Jackman, Isaiah Washington, James Franco, James Marsden, Jamie Foxx, Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, Jason Lee, Jason Statham, Jennifer Garner, Jeremy Piven, Jesse Metacalfe, Jim Carrey, Joaquin Phoenix, Joel McHale, John C. Reilly, John Krasinski, John Stamos, John Travolta, Josh Brolin, Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, Josh Lucas, Julian McMahon, Justin Timberlake, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kenny Chesney, Kevin Spacey, Kiefer Sutherland, Lance Bass, Leonardo DiCaprio, Liev Schrieber, Luke Wilson, Mario Lopez, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Matt Dillon, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew Perry, Michael Angarano, Michael Vartan, Mike Myers, Milo Ventimiglia, Neil Patrick Harris, Nikki Reed, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Peter Facinelli, Queen Latifah, Ricky Martin, Rob Thomas, Robert Buckley, Robert Pattinson, Ronaldo, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scott Speedman, Sean Penn, Sean William Scott, Seth Green, Shane West, Shemar Moore, Shia LeBeouf, Spencer Pratt, Steven Weber, T.R. Knight, Taylor Lautner, Ted Danson, Tobey Maguire, Tom Cruise, Tom Welling, Topher Grace, Usher, Val Kilmer, Viggo Mortensen, Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn, Wentworth Miller, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderama, Zac Efron, Zach Braff, or Zachary Quinto. Grey Goose is not Anderson Cooper, Chris Pine, George Clooney, Jensen Ackles, Mario Lopez, Matt Dillon, Mel Gibson, Peter Sarsgaard, Ryan Gosling, Tom Cruise, or Zachary Quinto.

-Twyla Babe-Sucker is not Anna Kendrick, AnnaLynne McCord, Ashley Greene, Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reaser, Nikki Reed, Noot Seear or Rachelle Lafevre.



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